Parenting can sometimes feel like navigating uncharted waters, with each day bringing new challenges, joys, and a long list of never-ending questions. So we’ll take all the help we can get! Which is why we were so excited to discover a new parenting book, unlike any other! Parenting Psychoanalysed: Letters to a Parent, (edited by JHB-based Psychoanalyst and TED speaker, Andy Cohen) offers a unique and thoughtful perspective on the unconscious emotional terrain of raising children. In this unique book, the editor compiled insights from 39 psychoanalysts around the world, each offering their wisdom in a series of letters aimed at parents. These letters, spoken in the simplest of terms, each dive into the complexities of parenthood, exploring both the emotional struggles and the profound joys that come with raising a child. Whether you’re a new parent or have been at it for years, whether you’re a mom or a dad, this book provides a deep yet accessible look at the psychological dynamics at play in the family unit, from adoption, to birth, to fatherhood vs motherhood, and even addresses the empty nest stage!
So let’s explore five key lessons from the book that can make your parenting task a little bit easier…
1. The “Good Enough Mother”
One of the much-loved concepts in psychoanalysis, introduced by Donald Winnicott and revisited by many psychoanalysts in the book, is the idea of “the good enough mother.” Here, the contributors emphasise that perfection in parenting isn’t the goal – rather, it’s about being present, available, and emotionally responsive in a way that fosters security and trust. The concept reminds us that parents don’t have to show up perfectly all the time. In fact, moments of imperfection – when handled with care – can actually teach children resilience and problem-solving. Parenting isn’t about achieving an ideal; it’s about being consistently “good enough,” and showing up enough times to assure your child that if (and when) you inevitably fail, that it is safe enough for them to think for themselves and gain a little independence. These encapsulated ‘failures’ as a parent, then allows your child to grow and adapt in a world where things don’t always go according to plan. In other words, sometimes, it is by NOT showing up that a child slowly learns to think for themselves and develop a mind of their own.
2. Making space
Parenting isn’t just about meeting your child’s immediate physical needs; it’s also about understanding their emotional world. But to do that effectively, Andy and the contributors stress the importance of parents first reflecting on their own inner world. To truly “make space” for your child in your mind, you have to have a certain awareness of your own unconscious emotions, triggers, and past experiences. If you haven’t done this inner work, you may find that when your child expresses him/herself, your own unresolved emotions are much louder than theirs. Perhaps their frustrations stir up old feelings from your own childhood, or you might hear their needs through the lens of your own anxieties and insecurities. Without that self-awareness, it becomes much harder to truly hear what your child needs, because your own “stuff” gets in the way. For example, one writer speaks about having trouble letting her daughter give up ballet because she was plagued by the fact that she never had those kinds of opportunities when she was younger. In stories like these, the contributors reflect on how by parents considering their own emotional landscape, they then create mental and emotional space to better understand the child’s feelings and they are then able to respond with empathy.
3. Intergenerational Trauma
Many of us are unaware of the emotional legacies passed down from one generation to the next. In the book, some of the contributors delve into the idea of intergenerational trauma – two letters speak to the trauma of the Apartheid system and how this lived on in them and effected their mothering. Another Austrian writer speaks to how she grappled with herself in becoming a parent in light of the after-math of WW2 and what it left in her. Here the contributors speak to the unconscious transmission of emotional pain, patterns of behaviour, and unresolved issues from parents and grandparents. Whether it’s due to neglect, emotional unavailability, political circumstances or harsh parenting practices, these patterns can deeply affect how we parent. Recognising these inherited dynamics can be the first step towards breaking the cycle. By reflecting on our own childhoods and being mindful of how past trauma may shape our behaviour, we can then parent more consciously and create a healthier emotional environment for our children.
4. Ambivalence in parenting
Parenting often comes with a mix of conflicting emotions, and that’s okay. In fact, it’s more than okay – it’s normal. Many of the psychoanalysts in the book explore the concept of ambivalence in parenting: the simultaneous feeling of love and hate, joy and exhaustion, pride and worry. One psychoanalyst grappled with the difficulty of sometimes hating what her kids put her through, and how cathartic it was to finally say it out loud! Parenting isn’t a one-note experience. It’s messy, layered, and often filled with contradictions. Accepting ambivalence can help reduce guilt and anxiety, allowing parents to embrace their feelings without feeling like they need to be “perfect” all the time. This emotional complexity is part of what makes parenting a rich, dynamic experience and, in the end, it can help us better understand and empathise with our children’s own emotional world. It also allows us to be true to ourselves and when we feel heard, we are then in a better position to hear our kids!
5. Separation: A process, not an event
Separation is one of the most significant developmental milestones in a child’s life. But in Parenting Psychoanalysed: Letters to a Parent, many of the contributors stress that separation is not a single event – it’s an ongoing process that unfolds at different stages of a child’s growth. Whether it’s weaning, starting school, or eventually leaving home for good, each stage involves a form of emotional letting go, both for the parents and for the child. There are several letters that think about how hard it is to watch your child not need you as much anymore, and how hard it can even be to let them move on. The book encourages parents to recognise that each stage of separation requires different forms of support and guidance. But when the child needs to separate, it also triggers unconscious difficulties for the parent too, since we have put in a ton of work and it’s so hard to NOT be needed as much! By understanding that separation is an evolving, dynamic process, parents can better navigate these testing stages with empathy and care.
The Bottom Line
Parenting is a journey full of growth, self-reflection, and, yes, plenty of muddling through. What becomes clear in Parenting Psychoanalysed: Letters to a Parent is that psychoanalysts, despite their professional expertise, are not immune to the ups and downs of parenthood – they’re just as human as the rest of us. The difference lies in their attitude towards the “muddle” of parenting. Psychoanalysts don’t have all the answers, but they take the time to understand the emotional complexities of both themselves and their children. They embrace the messiness of it all, reflecting on their feelings, uncertainties, and challenges so they can show up with greater presence and empathy. This self-awareness is what allows them to better navigate the emotional terrain of parenthood and be there for their kids in meaningful ways. So, while the road of parenting may not always be clear, the goal is not perfection – it’s about continually striving to understand, grow, and show up as best as we can for ourselves and our kids!
In case you missed it – we LOVED this book! So much in fact that we are now stocking it in-store. So pick up your copy of Parenting Psychoanalysed: Letters to a Parent the next time you visit Bambanani!