As a parent, it can be heart-wrenching to watch our children struggle with feelings of exclusion. Whether it’s being left out of a playdate, not invited to a party, or feeling disconnected from their friends, it’s really natural to want to protect them from these difficult “left out” feelings. However, while it can be tough, it’s also important to recognise that being left out is an inevitable part of life. But why is feeling left out often such a hot topic and is there more to this experience than meets the eye?
The original “left out” feeling
Believe it or not, the issue of “being left out” didn’t just show up the day your child wasn’t included in that play date. This isn’t necessarily a fault of the school system, or that group of mommies who forgot to add your child to the party list. In fact this issue is as old as time! Did you know that feeling left out is one of the earliest developmental milestones that each and every one of us had to navigate when we were just babies and toddlers! Namely, the times it first dawned on us that our mom (caregiver) had a significant other that wasn’t us! In that time, long long ago, there was nothing more painful than realising that we were not the centre of her universe and that she had other people/ partners/ responsibilities that she also had to tend to. As a young little mind this new reality would have been absolutely heart-breaking. For each and every one of us. No exceptions! Believe it or not, this early experience still lives inside each and every one of us. And so later in life, as we grow, hang out with friends, raise our kids etc, whenever we come up against this dynamic- where there is attention being competed for- these old tensions and difficult feelings are likely to pulse inside us too. We see it with colleagues, between siblings, and we watch helplessly as our children navigate it socially as well!
An important lesson in life is that we can’t always get what we want. Sigmund Freud called this the “reality principle.” As children grow, they must come to terms with the fact that not every desire can be fulfilled. This helps them develop patience, self-control, and a healthier understanding of relationships. Let’s be honest, as adults we may struggle with this too, even today! We may not get upset about being left out of a play date, but we do get upset when a colleague gets the bonus we wanted. Or when we can’t join the other families at the expensive resort over the holidays. In these moments it’s important to realise that we also live with our own “left out” feelings and have to navigate them daily. So when we witness our kids feeling a similar pain, it reverberates through us in important ways.
The Impact of Exclusion on a Child’s Emotional Development
As you can see, any difficult feelings around exclusion can trigger deep emotional responses and can stimulate intense feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and even shame. But luckily, there is a silver lining! Because being left out doesn’t necessarily spell emotional harm. In fact, these experiences can be opportunities for children to re-work this original injury and build a lot of resilience. If a child is able to process and cope with exclusion, they will ultimately grow stronger and more self-assured.
So what can we parents do?
As parents, it’s crucial to be a source of support, but without overprotecting. Encourage your child to talk about their feelings. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad or upset, but gently remind them that social dynamics are complex and sometimes people are simply unaware of the impact their actions have. Empower your kids by helping them see that feeling left out can also be a normal part of growing up.
That said, where possible, it remains important to create environments that promote inclusion wherever possible. We all hold a deep desire for social validation and security, so sometimes, as parents, it’s crucial to encourage inclusive behavior. Teach your child the value of kindness, empathy, and inclusivity by modeling these behaviors yourself. Whether it’s inviting a child who is often left out to join a playdate or encouraging your child to include others who may feel excluded, small acts of inclusion can make a world of difference.
It may seem as though I am offering conflicting ideas here, and in fact I am. Actually, there is no right and wrong way to manage this dilemma. But I think as long as parents are able to hold their own anxieties around this, are open to encouraging conversation and help their child to manage their disappointments, then half the battle is won! At the end of the day, parents should aim to strike a balance between providing emotional support and fostering independence.
The bottom line
Watching our kids get left out is never easy, but it is an inevitable part of life that can help them develop resilience, empathy, and self-confidence. By offering emotional support, teaching coping strategies, and fostering inclusive environments wherever possible, we can really help our children navigate these difficult moments and grow into well-adjusted humans. Remember, it’s not about preventing exclusion altogether but rather teaching your child how to handle it with grace, resilience and a healthy dose of emotional intelligence.