Whether you had a very present dad or you lost yours at an early age, whether you were a little intimidated by yours, or if your dad was your ‘everything’, a father is a powerful symbol that affects us from an incredibly early age. Dads forever inscribe what your child will consider acceptable and loving. And every child will take this powerful force forward into every relationship they have with friends, partners, and future colleagues. So what about dads makes them so core to our lives? Because there is something about their approach, their mindset and their ability to push kids out into the world that makes them so integral in a family. This month we explore what a father does that matters so much, and why dads are so different to moms. It’s important to understand though that a father is way more than a tall guy who can reach the top shelf. Rather, fathers are meaningful symbols that are internalised in profound ways, and who form an important mental function in every child’s mind. This starts out being a concrete lived experience of the man of the house, and then somewhere along the way this experience gets imbued with meaning and becomes ingrained into our core belief systems.
Now I will begin with a caveat: Fatherly figures are not necessarily men. This may sound strange but they are more of a presence and an attitude, rather than a physical gendered role. In this way, a fatherly presence might be communicated by a female caregiver at times. A mother may have more of a ‘father feeling’ in the way she parents or a father may feel way more ‘maternal’. This is because inside each of us, is always both. We psychoanalysts can call this a ‘maternal function’ and a ‘paternal function’. This refers to the mother and father that exists in our minds, that has been symbolised a long time ago, living deep inside our thoughts, ideas and aspirations, to be called upon and used when necessary. So sometimes we may find ourselves acting more dad-like with our kids, and other times more mom-like. In this article, I want to explore the more dad-like or ‘paternal’ ways of being a parent. So what are the qualities that fathers take on for their children?
Fathers tend to be a bit more rough than mothers. They may enjoy rough-and-tumble play, they are usually more physical and encourage independent actions. In this way, fathers show their love for their bodies more so than their words. Why is this important? It has something to do with the feeling it gives which has a bold, brave flavour. If moms are a ‘pull’ inwards, then dads are a ‘push’ outwards. In other words, mothers often encourage co-dependence. She offers a hug when they fall, and kisses their knee. Whereas a dad is more likely to dust them off and encourage them to try again. Here, the paternal function encourages independence, bravery and stepping out into the world. Both maternal and paternal functions are important. And each child takes in the warm ‘staying in’ function a mother naturally offers, and bandies this against a more outgoing urge to go ‘out there’ and explore. In this way, dads encourage an attitude of testing the limits of the world. This has a solution-oriented mindset. This is a crucial skill required by every child who will need to one day become independent, earn a living, test and manage peer relationships, and negotiate how they live in the groups and systems they find themselves in.
Fathers also encourage separation. Without realising it, every family has to negotiate some quiet competition: for mom’s attention and who gets it. Dad is usually the guy who wins. When this happens, it can feel quite painful and it requires a child to realise they are excluded from something that long to be the centre of. You may notice your child grappling with this dilemma when they find themselves feeling ‘left out’ in groups or from teams. It is a normal and important part of growing up and becoming independent, but a particularly hard thing to face. Fathers represent this ‘thirdness’ that interferes with feeling like you are the most special person in the world, that you can’t have mom all to yourself forever, and that ultimately, in life, you can’t always get what you want. This helps a child learn important limits which is a crucial negotiation that is likely to rear its head throughout childhood and beyond.
The bottom line
Fathers exist in each of us. Starting off as a real lived experience in the world, we eventually all take into ourselves what it means to be fathered, so we can, in time, ‘father’ ourselves. This imbues a strong independent attitude and an ambition to take on whatever challenge comes our way, bravely.