Anxiety is a horrible state to experience and can really dominate the lives of those who suffer from it. It’s also quite serious when you consider that roughly 301 million people worldwide – that’s 4% of the global population – who suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder. Never mind the ordinary anxiety we all grapple with on a daily basis in our marriages, families and workplaces. So what is anxiety and why is it like a jumpy little frog? Let’s get to know anxiety a little more in the hopes that we can tame the slippery nuisance.
Contrary to popular belief, anxiety is not the name of a feeling. Feelings are named things like, happy, sad, lonely, angry, hurt etc. Where anxiety is a state of feeling ‘a feeling’ that hasn’t been identified or defined yet. You hear people complaining of anxiety all the time, and usually it sounds something like “I feel really anxious… about something”. Here they are actually telling us two things. The first is that they are feeling bothered by something and the second thing they are saying is that they don’t actually know what it is. They may have an inkling, but usually, it’s unclear. And usually solving the problem it seems to be linked to, doesn’t actually take the feeling away. Or similarly, you might be in touch with a feeling, like you feel irritable, angry, or hurt, but the reasons you’ve managed to come up with for feeling this way doesn’t feel very clear or justified. So actually, it’s important to realise that anxiety is linked to not knowing something.This is because when we are in an anxious state there is usually a key variable that is undetected. In this way, anxiety is a state of not knowing how you feel… or not being able to face something that deep down is really bothering you.
But it is, of course, really bothering you. And so you do attempt to get rid of the feeling. The usual thing is to apply logic and attempt to find a reason/ solution. The thinking here is, if I solve the problem, that horrible feeling will go away. So you scan your current situation; you think, well it could be that deadline you’re chasing, or maybe it’s those last minute holiday items you need for your trip, or could it be your child’s upcoming exams. Maybe it’s that relationship you’re in, your partner constantly annoys you. But then you systematically tackle these tasks, or rid yourself of certain dynamics, only to find that the relief is just momentary, and the dreaded feeling of anxiety eventually returns.
Why is that? Surely if we are upset about something it would make sense for us to get to the bottom of it quickly? Unfortunately it’s not so straightforward. Believe it or not, not all ideas in our minds want to be understood. Somewhere inside ourselves we want to protect ourselves from knowing stuff, just in case it becomes too overwhelming, and these ideas are out of reach in our unconscious minds. But this attempt to hide from knowing is only partially successful and it manifests, as…yup, you guessed it… anxiety. In the form of that jittery, icky throat/ tummy/ throat foggy feeling. A second mechanism in place to protect us from knowing the route cause of the anxiety is a kind of ‘leapfrog state’. Here, the meaning or core feeling remains elusive, just like a slippery little frog, the meaning jumps from thing to thing in repetitive attempts to hide but also in an attempt to be solved. So first you think it’s a work problem, then you think it’s the way your child back chatted, or then you think it must be an issue with your partner. Often the core reason for our anxiety isn’t conscious and so not easily accessible. In these cases it’s a good idea to get some help from a psychotherapist or psychoanalyst – professionals who are adept at working with the unconscious part of the mind – in order to find the right lily pad to land on, and locate the source idea or whatever feeling driving the anxiety.
Another way to think about anxiety is this: Have you ever walked into a store, say a supermarket, and you see (out of the corner of your eye) an old friend or ex- someone you’re not on good terms with, and who you prefer not talking to? So you walk around the supermarket doing everything you can to avoid making contact with that person, keeping one eye on the food aisle and another on their movements in order to successfully avoid them. But actually, this avoidance takes up a huge amount of energy and is very stressful in and of itself. That’s anxiety. It is an attempt to walk round and round and round and not engage with a feeling or idea. What if though, you do actually bump into that person, have an awkward chat with them and get it out the way? Usually it’s not as bad as you think and you are then able to get on with your shopping without that person pulling your energy in another direction. Facing our core anxieties is a bit like this. And in this way we might consider getting to know our underlying feelings, exploring our thoughts more, and having uncomfortable conversations with ourselves. This is the most effective way of taming the frog and getting on top of anxiety.
So next time you notice your thoughts are racing and you have that icky froggy feeling, think of this as scanning for answers to an important question inside, one which deserves attention and could benefit from exploration. And who knows, you may even pluck up the courage to kiss that frog and replace it with princely feelings of calm and control.